What's Past is Prologue
by sullarco
Summary: DISCONINTUED
1. Catastrophe

If every memory was written down as soon as it was thought, then Roxas would never have forgotten anything. He would know what Hayner meant when he said to meet at 'The Usual Spot'. He would know what day Olette was having her birthday on, and that Pence was right when he said she wanted new earrings. It seemed like on the morning that Roxas went to school and was void of memories, the previous night's dusk had set with the disappearing of that which was most important to him.

The day after Sora died was the day he kissed Roxas. Twilight City was always dowsed in orange, cast in shadows, and blanketed under what seemed like eternal dream. On Friday when Sora died, Riku skipped school and laid on the train station roof. He was immediately covered in orange lies and fake infinities. On Saturday he climbed into Sora's room and found himself facing Roxas. It was then he realized how much the two looked (and tasted) alike. On the day that Roxas lost his memory, the blond had no recollection of their 'relationship'. He didn't even remember Sora. Riku tried to talk to Roxas as little as possible after that.

Roxas was supposed to meet them at The Usual Spot on Sunday afternoon. When he didn't show up, the three of them thought of Sora. When on Monday he'd lost his memory, Hayner, Pence, and Olette all stopped believing in coincidence and decided this was fate. Some horrible, fucked up fate.

Namine watched Riku and Kairi for a long time after Sora died. The both of them would still hang out together. Roxas would always jump groups; many of his friends weren't friends with each other. At one time he'd be with Hayner, Pence, and Olette, then jump to being with Namine, and sometimes with Riku and Kairi. After Roxas lost his memories, Riku stopped talking to him. Roxas mainly stayed with Hayner and them from that point on.

Kairi was a lot more observant than she let on.

* * *

He remembers how to ride a bike. He knows the difference between dawn, and dusk. He knows how to find the answer to the equation A/C + B = X. Roxas has in hid mind all to get him through school. He doesn't have anything having to do with the past. He can't remember how he learned to ride his bike, or who told him dawn was when the sun rose and dusk was when it set. What year he learned math, and how to solve an algebraic equation.

What Roxas does not remember is the woman who cared for him for sixteen years, or why there is no father in his house. Or the three friends who greeted him first that day. Why wasn't he _there_ yesterday? They were worried! He probably just forgot. Roxas did forget. But he didn't _just_ forget. He forgot everything completely.

He is thinking about this during lunch period, just thinking about the memories he doesn't have, and what he can and can't believe. He has no reason not to trust his friends or anyone else. When they tell him things, it should be natural for Roxas to just believe them. Roxas tries to think about everything that should be.

"Roxas, what did you get for twenty-eight?" Namine is always a calm person to be with when he can't handle being with the friends he doesn't remember.

"I'm only on twenty-three, Namine." Is Roxas' response, but he looks down at the aforementioned question and begins working on it, anyway.

By the time he's halfway through it, Namine shifts next to him and says, "Okay what about twenty-nine." Which makes him feel like this situation is the sort of thing that is supposed to happen all the time; but he is unsure. For the past three months, Roxas has been unsure of everything. For the rest of the period, they sit in the library doing homework and eating lunch as they hide behind the bookshelves in the back. "What're you going to do for university?" She asks. Roxas knows that she is potentially hitting a land mine, but he imagines that she probably asked him stuff like this all the time before three months ago.

He lets the bell ring and smiles. "Not really sure just yet. You wanna help me decide?" Namine nods before she leaves for class. For third, Roxas had library aide, so he continues to sit. He finds he has too much time to think about too little time. So for the remainder of the hour and a half that Roxas theoretically has to himself, he reads. Just, whatever he can find on the shelf, actually, and skims through it to try and decide if it's worth his time. It doesn't matter though, because there are a couple of books he picks up that he's sure he's read before, but that void reappears where he can't remember ever actually reading it.

After school, They (that is, his three best friends) come up to him, all of them smiling, and the four of them stand in an odd circle in front of the school. Apparently they'd gawk around and talk about absolutely nothing that they would all surely forget tomorrow (except for Roxas—he tried to forget as little as he could) and do the same thing again on that day. Roxas wants to actually go home right after school and maybe make them worry a little bit just for the hell of it, but the fear of loosing the only people he could ever possibly know scares him. The more people that surrounded him from the outside world the better.

They are talking about some project for a class Roxas doesn't have, but he pretends he's listening anyway until it gets really confusing and boring. "I'm going downtown to buy a book." He says. Roxas is actually hoping he can gain the courage to jump in front of a moving vehicle so that he won't have to think about absolutely nothing, anymore. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." Which makes him wonder that, if he did gain the courage, would that count as lying. All three of them frown—best guilt-trippers ever—before Olette opens her mouth.

"Do you remember where it is?" To which Pence bumps her arm with his elbow, forcefully. "I mean, the good one just moved in, right? Brand new." Rubs her arm while pretending it's just an itch, there.

"'M fine." He's gotten used to ignoring the stuff that they say that they don't think about. He doesn't really want them to give him any exact special treatment, either, but that doesn't make his heart hurt any less, either. For the most part, Roxas skips over those sentences and pretends that they say something completely different and doesn't respond seventy-five percent of the time. He didn't catch that, or whatever.

He has to take the bus, so it's a good thing his mom gives him money. Maybe she's done it every day of his life and he just doesn't know this. Maybe it's because she can't stand to look at him and know that she's unfamiliar, so giving him lots of money to spend is like a post-it note that says "I'm nice to you, love me". Or something. Either way, he's got enough money to give Hayner lunch money, buy candy at the drug store down the street every break, take the bus home from school, and quite possibly buy an entire meal at the local family diner if he was unhappy with what his mother was making for dinner. Since he didn't buy any candy and wanted steak tonight, he certainly had enough cash on him to buy one lousy book. They keep him occupied, so he thinks he deserves them.

He gets one and pays a dollar and fifty cents, and turns to look at the seating. There are plenty of open spaces, there's no denying it—but Riku is sitting somewhere near the back and not next to anyone. His backpack isn't even on the seat. Roxas has to muster up his strength, and hold his breath on the way there, to sit down in the seat next to Riku.

The silver-haired junior just turns his head lightly and looks at Roxas like he's trying not to throw up.

"Just going to the bookstore." Roxas informs the other—like he cares. Riku's head tilts a bit in the opposite direction; his eyes are looking somewhere far off and unreachable by the amnesiac blond. Roxas knows he looks a lot like his deceased brother, and that must just sicken Riku more, because it was no secret that they were in love. Not dating. Dating is for guys and girls who didn't care who they were with. Dating is when you have a new "date" every week, because last week you and that other person "broke up". Riku and Sora were definitely not dating.

Not from everything that Kairi told him. No way could they not have been in love. Supposedly, Riku'd tried to love Roxas too—which made him think of the silverette as a bit shallow—but apparently it was sincere.

That's just more guilt on Roxas' shoulders. He hadn't know all this the day that he'd come back with no memories. So when Riku had kissed him like it was no big deal, he didn't know that Riku was actually his boyfriend (apparently, a mutual term they decided was best, if any one asked).

"I'm sorry." Roxas sighs, after Riku continues to be silent for a whole five minutes. "For… what I did."

At that moment, he hears the most beautiful sentence, but it could only be beautiful coming from Riku's lips. It might be that he agrees that Riku is hot and a year older than him and would be totally cool if they were together (not dating), but really more-so because it seemed that Riku is the person which he seeks redemption most.

"'S not your fault." Is what Riku mumbles. It's like angels decided to fly down from heaven just for Roxas and sing beautiful choir music into his ears. Riku sort of glances at him, waiting for some kind of response, but Roxas has none. He's absolutely quiet and listening to angels chant wonderful hymns into his mind. "You're not talking to me now?"

It's both hypocritical and yet makes sense because while angels are dazzling Roxas, his head is down, his elbows are on his thighs and his fingers crossed, body hunched uncomfortably. Immediately he shoots up to give Riku a proper thank you for the first real kindness in three months, but the silverette has stood and the bus is coming to a hault. He can only manage a, "Riku!" voice desperate and feminine when the bus door closes with Riku's exit onto the side walk outside.

He doesn't hear Roxas.

And Roxas ignores his stop, not really feeling like getting a book anymore. He's missed one golden opportunity because time decided the screw him over and speed up and leave him completely helpless. Why not just fuck the rest of whatever opportunity he may get the rest of the after noon.

The bus stops at Radiant Garden, just beyond Twilight City limits, to restock on gas before the next route.


	2. Every Now and Then

A/N:

Hey peeps. Got a virus on the untrusty compy. Updates might be slow, even though I've got up to halfway through chapter four in my notebook. Again, sorry. So um. Please review. c: Makes me happy to know that someone is reading, cause I get pretty discouraged. Feedback and suggestions/crit is great, too. Please and thank you!

-H. May

* * *

Radiant Garden is the under appreciated sister of Twilight City. Roxas remembers only one time coming here; a month ago. Olette wanted to go to the mall. Surprisingly enough, Radiant Garden has nothing but family business, small close-knit stores, 3/4th residential living, and one big mall in the middle of it all. He gets off the bus as it refuels, not really sure which way he's going, and it must've been an hour ago that school let out. For a long time, he just wanders in and out of neighborhoods, staring at houses and making up stories based on lawns and parked cars.

The blue house with the white pick-up is a very clean house where a wife lives with her four-year-old daughter. The pick-up is her husband's and every night he comes home frustrated with work; he gets drunk and abuses the both of them. The white one with orange trim is a family of three; the oldest sister moved out a few years prior. The husband was fired from his job a year ago, so now they live only on the wife's income. They'll be forced to move soon.

At the corner of the street, he sits on the curb and watches the sunset, wondering if he's always been so pessimistic, or just after his memory loss. It's at this time he thinks just about Sora. About the pictures on the walls in the house, how happy the both of them look. Together. He feels frustrated that he's unable to remember someone he looked so happy with. Like he was somehow betraying Sora. Photographs were all he could use to learn about his history, after all.

Tired, Roxas lay back on the sidewalk with his arms stretched out, eyes closing and feeling comforted by familiar sunset. It isn't surprising, though, he's spent hours just walking around doing nothing.

His mind feels blank; his heart feels blank.

It's only when the sunlight disappears from his legs that Roxas sits up and looks around. _It must be dinner time_, runs through his head with disappointment. Steak sounds good about now to him, so his stomach gurgles when he stands up. He could take the bus back to Twilight City, have a nice dinner with his mom, go back to routine and forget about Radiant Garden for another two months. Instead, Roxas spends a half an hour getting to the mall and wanders inside a little haphazardly. It has been a while since his last visit, but he still remembered most of the locations. Bastian Mall is big, though; and confusing. But at least there is a bus station connected right outside.

Roxas' cell phone rings in his pocket, the ID displaying 'Mom'. He picks up. "Hello?"

His mother sounds unusually calm, like she's forcing herself. "Hey Sweetie." She has a short of shaky bit to her voice. "I made us steak." And then, "Where are you?"

He feels her depression seeping out of the phone. "Radiant Garden." He answers, sitting down on a mall bench and talking a bit quieter to her. He feels that his mother is a fragile woman, and if he is too loud around her, she'll shatter. "I'm inside the mall."

"Oh." He can't quite tell what's in her voice anymore. "Do you need me to come pick you up?" That is curiosity, maybe. What she's thinking is something Roxas was able to guess easily. It's harder, now.

"That's okay—I'm going to take the bus." He answers to her, shutting his phone without a goodbye. She'll be fine.

Roxas window shops in and out of different sections in the mall for the following forty-five minutes. Mostly just through clothes stores, and bookshops, plays a couple of video game demos before going back to the entrance. Might as well take the bus back home. It's cold outside now, his cell phone says it's nearly eight o' clock already. His mother's disappointed, dinner is probably cold, he doesn't have a new book to read, and he is on horrible terms with Riku, still. Roxas sits at the bus stop to take the route returning to Twilight City. It's cold and quiet, so Roxas is almost thankful when he gets into the public transport. Almost, at least. The bus is loud and rowdy—even if it's warm. The source is the back where some older teenagers are laughing and messing around. Everyone else is positioned towards the front, so Roxas settles with sitting near the secondary door. He can feel them staring at him, and assumes that they're drunk from how they're acting. At least they aren't driving.

"Hey there, kid." One of them falls into the seat next to him. She's skinny and blond, and her voice is shrill and annoying. "You look like a regular little lion cub with your hair like that." Roxas turns his head to look at her, and glances at the others behind them.

"You look like a bug." Roxas says back, near monotone. They all hoot and holler when she gets red and irritated.

"Don't talk to me like that you little brat!" But Roxas doesn't really care about what she thinks. What was the worst they could do to him? Beat him up? Take away more of his memories? Kill him? Ha!

"Hey Larxene! Letting a kid tell you off?"

"Maybe he's right, you know?

"Get a little more riled up and your hair will fall out!"

Roxas doesn't pay attention to who says what. They all certainly think it's funny, though.

"Do I know you, kid?" He doesn't turn around, but just answers, "Maybe" As the blond girl returns to her seat. "Didn't we talk some time last term?"

Roxas looks down, "I couldn't tell ya."

He isn't startled when the guy with pink hair takes the vacant seat next to him. "You know, that place that closed down about six months ago?"

Roxas chuckled, leaning again the window. "Why're you talkin' to a kid like me, anyway?"

To that, they all laugh again. One from the back says, "Cause you look familiar—we wanna figure you out."

The bus slows to a stop—picking someone up. He looks around and figures he can walk home the rest of the way. The new passenger counts his change. "Unless we met in the past three months, I couldn't ever remember you." Roxas forces himself to grin as he says t before stepping off the bus. It takes off down the street and Roxas feels even a little satisfied with himself. He continues in the direction the bus had taken off in. It's dark and the streets look a little unfamiliar, so he pulls out his cell phone. Roxas sits on the curb for a while, scrolling through his contacts list. He can't call his mom, she'd just worry more, if that's possible. His eyes close, pretending that he isn't picking Riku's number to call, instead.

On the fourth ring, the phone is picked up. "Hello, Roxas?"

Roxas hesitates before he can finally find his voice. He's playing with the hem of his jeans, ripping and the loose strands. "H-hey Riku. I—I got lost." His voice is shaking—when was the last time he ate? He hears Riku shuffle on the other end. "Where are you right now?" The blond looks up at the street signs. "'M at the end of Hill where is meets Common." Riku doesn't hesitate in explaining the remaining route to Roxas' house.

"Find it?" Riku yaws as the last street is given. Roxas steps onto the porch of his house. "Yeah I'm here." He leans against his front door. "Thank you, Riku. I really appreciate you helping me out. I know things haven't been very smooth between us." It's a lot easier to get his thoughts and feelings out over the phone, he realizes with a smile.

"Don't get all soft on me now, Roxas." But he can't tell if Riku is being serious or if he's joking or something.

"Yeah, I guess you're right, but… I mean… I feel horrible for what I've done. I can't say what I mean when I'm around you in person. You're intimidating and it's hard to say this to you."

Riku is quiet at first, and Roxas hears the sound sounds of a door closing in the background. "Am I that hard to approach?" It's easy too tell he's grinning about it, probably lying on his bed and thinking in egotistical waves.

"Sort of, I guess. I think it's just the tension." Riku laughs and it reminds him of the bus. It feels more like he's being laughed at, than with. Either way it's sort of nice to hear Riku laugh after so much time of seeing him solemn. "Some thing funny?"

"I was just thinking about how different you are. It's like Sora never even died." Both of them are quiet. Sora was never a taboo subject, but now, talking about him with Riku, it's awkward. He was Riku and Kairi's friend. He was like glue—that's what Kairi says about him anyway. Glue that stuck everyone together with his happy attitude and bright personality. Sora never thought of the glass as half-empty, just like Roxas never thought of the glass as half-full. Even now. At least he believes so. Half-empty. Completely empty. Instead of not full. Just like his memory. "Roxas?" Riku's voice brings him back from his thoughts.

"S-sorry." Roxas stands up and turns back to his front door. "I'll see you at school tomorrow, Riku." The other pauses, sighs, and the line goes out.

At the middle, there, Roxas figured things between them may have been a bit ironed out, but then things just went right back to the beginning. Back to three months ago, when Riku wasn't talking to him.

Roxas turns the knob on the door and walks inside his home. He is alone, even though the lights are on, until his mother comes out from the hallway, looking a little distressed. "Roxas. You're home." He shrugs off his backpack and sets it against the living room couch, giving his mom a hug. She needs it, definitely, If only to make her feel better. He doesn't want her killing herself or anything like that, just because both of her sons are fucked. She doesn't deserve it. Roxas deserves it. He made her like this. Always looking broken every day, like she may snap with no warning.

"I'm home, Mom." He feels her inhale deeply and let it out, before she lets him go. He slips his shoes off.

"You hungry, Sweetie?"

As Roxas puts his shoes next to his backpack, he shakes his head, looking at the carpet. "'M fine, Mom. I'll come back out later to get something to ear if I get hungry." Roxas tries his best not to rush down the hall and shut the door behind him when he makes it to the bedroom. He falls onto his bed, eyes closing as he thinks. He thinks that tomorrow will be a long day.

-----

It seemed to go on forever. Hayner, Pence, and Olette trying to do their best to be his friends, Namine continuing to be better at math homework, Kairi pulling Motherly, Riku actually smiling at him for once. Everyone talking at him was really annoying, which is why he sits calmly at the bus stop where Hill meets Common. He finds is strange that he's coming back to this stop, but it also makes sense at the same time. That if he waits for the eight-thirty run of the bus, he can talk to the people who aren't sympathetic towards his memory loss, if they figured it out at all. Roxas feels like he can wait that long, but he pulls out his cell phone to help him pass the time. He first called his mom, telling her that he'd be home late. He meant for the call to last about a minute, but she went on for more than five. Next he texts Riku. Tells Riku he's at the bus stop.

'Why are you telling me this?' Riku has always been so fast at texting clean sentences. Roxas sits there on the bench and leans back, letting the sun soak into his skin. Why is he telling Riku this? He almost feels defeated, in a way, like he can't win, and decides not to text Riku back. After all, Riku wouldn't care if he's at the bus stop or not. Idiot.

So Roxas just sits, staying in his spot as people get on and off of buses going by. The five hours that Roxas is waiting seems like it is actually forever, and theoretically he is waiting for nothing but a bus ride to nowhere.

The bus is five minutes late at the stop, and Roxas hesitated getting on out of anxiety that all of his thoughts over the past five hours would be wasted. When he steps on, some loud chattering is coming from the back.

He almost smiles.

Roxas pays the 1.50 and looks around—almost all the seats are empty. Even so, he makes his way to the back and sits down next to the quiet one of the group, with dark hair that covers a whole eye. They finish up their giggles and then look to Roxas, a few of them in smirks.

"Come back to finish Larxene?" Followed by a deep chuckle, and more laughing—even from the (almost) blue-haired one next to him. Roxas leans back. Real laughing. He looks to the blond girl who seems angry, but at the same time like she's having fun. Envy tugs are the sleeves of Roxas' sweater. He puts his elbows on the back of the seat and does his best to relax. "Do you guys always take this bus?" Roxas asks curiously. Next to him, Roxas gets an answer.

"We're going down to the club here in Twilight city before we go back to the University." Roxas then realizes he _is_ on a bus ride to nowhere. But at least he has people to talk to, now. People he can stand to talk to. He feels that talking to these University students is more natural than the people that know him. Roxas listens to their conversations—most just chatter about whatever is going on in their school lives. But a lot of it is funny so Roxas doesn't mind.

As talk goes around, most of what he learns is names and classes. Quiet blunette is a bookworm and majors in literature, of course; he's the group strategist, whatever that is supposed to mean. Axel is the sarcastic redhead that makes most of the witty comments that Roxas doesn't really pay attention to. He seems to dress cool, but is also very skinny, but he's decided not to comment about that, yet. Demyx is the dirty-blond space-case and he has a mullet. That's all Roxas can really make of him. Marluxia with the pink hair did wrestling or boxing or something like that in high school, from what Roxas can guess. Maybe football or something else similar, but he also has a garden? Larxene is the blond bug-haired girl who acts like she has PMS year-round. It's probably just because she's a tomboy but they all give her a hard time around it. Most of them have AP Calculus all together, other basic four year college classes, and of course their majors.

He doesn't catch everything, but at the very least he has some idea of who they are now. More about them than about himself, actually.

"Hey, anything like that ever happen to you?" This time the tall redheaded sort of nonchalant Axel asks him. He wonders why Larxene would call him a lion cub when this guy's hair sticks out everywhere like a mane.

"Sorry, didn't catch that." Roxas grins.

The redhead almost scowls but doesn't quite, "I said I can't rally remember something that happened a while ago but I know it's important." Then he pauses, and whether it's because he's thinking or for some dramatic effect is unknown to the blond. "Anything like that ever happen to you?"

Roxas sighs, wondering if it's just coincidence that everyone seems to ask him questions about his memory. Either way, Roxas gives him a fake smile and says, "Yeah, maybe once, I think." For a moment, he wonders if they caught that as sarcasm, but he also doesn't want to kill the mood. "Can you guys get me a fake ID?" Of course, Roxas doesn't even officially know these people, so he isn't really expecting anything from them. Then they're all laughing again.

"You're a pretty funny guy, you know that?" The redhead hits his shoulder good naturedly. "Do you live far from here?"

Roxas thinks to himself, not really disappoint, but having a good time at a club would have been fun. Maybe get a little tipsy, teach Riku a lesson or something. "Not really sure how far it is. I'll probably call my friend and have him give me directions.

Larxene almost glares at him. "Why did you even get on this bus? Isn't the place you got on, the place you left, yesterday?" To that, Roxas only shrugs his shoulder. He can't stand her voice.

"Maybe." He answers. "I got on this bus because I felt like it." More laughing. He loves it when they laugh and joke, because it feels real and whole; tangible, like he could reach out and touch that laughter.

"What street do you live on?" Someone asks; he doesn't pay attention, but he decides to sit up, now. Figures he should get off before he got too far.

"Sunset." He answers.

"Ha, that's pretty far. You should just call to have someone pick you up instead of walking." Larxene's mood swings are too much. Roxas pulls the line against the window to announce his stop. "Yeah. I gotcha. Are you guys going to be on the bus tomorrow, too? It's Saturday."

Axel's the one that nods. "See you tomorrow?"

Roxas holds his breath. Are they looking forward to seeing him? The Angels are surely returning. "Yeah—definitely."


End file.
